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After Hours BBS • View topic - Burn Scars

Burn Scars

First Aid for the Heart
Ever been dumped? Or maybe going through hell from a relationship? Drop in and talk about it.

Burn Scars

Postby Jynxie » Fri Oct 20, 2000 6:19 am

<font color=purple>I'mwondering how long it takes themto go away. I thought I'd gotten past everything. Left it all behind me and healed up real good. I don't flinch anymore when people touch me. I don't avert my eyes when people disagree. The minor panic attacks when people argue have stopped. I have gotten over that feeling that every one thinks I'm an idiot. And most of the emotional/mental issues are done and dealt with. Last night another one just jumped right up and smacked me in the face. Everytime I think I've worked through the last one another takes its place. One I had forgotten. Without going in to detail of a sexual nature I am kind of loud when it comes to sex, but I didn't used to be. I was real quiet. Like death quiet, but I had to be. I was told to shut up so many times that I stopped making noise. But I had forgotten why. It had been that way so long that I'd forgotten why I was quiet, I'd forgotten the reason that started it. Last night in a totally joking manner my Boy said shhh, he wasn't being mean, he wasn't even serious, but it was like being hit with a board. When does that stuff stop? Does anyone know? Is this something that's going to happen periodically forever? I've been out that evil relationship for years, but the things keep coming back. I've had enough of it. </font id=purple>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
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Postby Ed Sysop » Fri Oct 20, 2000 8:59 am

Oh, Jynxie,

this is horrible, I had no idea.

I don't think I have any answers for this one, except maybe to say - don't expect to ever get over it.

I think this destroys a lot people it happens to, so however you've handled it so far is the right way.

I guess it's gonna come up now and then, accept it and watch the clock for a while until moves back to its place. You'll be ok, but expect the ghosts to visit now and then.

hugs
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Postby Fez » Fri Oct 20, 2000 9:01 am

That board you felt hitting you was not being held by your new guy... you have to remember that. Remind yourself of the differences between the "evil relationship" and the loving one you have now. Eventually hearing somebody say shhh will mean nothing. Hearing it was just a reminder of your past, but instead of thinking about that past, let it be a reminder that you are no longer bound to that past. So next time out let out a roar and say to yourself "So and So can shhh my ass!"
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Postby Andi Elsdragon » Fri Oct 20, 2000 11:32 am

I was thinking something similar today. I had to dig through some of my books and found one that i'd been reading off and on. I allowed it to flop open, and this was what i saw on the page... It helped me today, it might help you too.

When you consciously invoke growing, consciously invoke wisdom, you consciously invoke the parts of yourself that are not whole to come into the foreground of your life. With each recurrance of anger, or jealousy, or fear, you are given the choice to challenge it, or to give in to it. Each time you challenge it, it loses power and you gain power. Each time you are tempted to become angry, or jealous, or fearful, and you challenge that feeling, you empower yourself. There would be no accumulation of strength inside if the choises that you make did not require discipline and intention.

Gary Zukav... Seat Of The Soul

Jynxie, i think its a little bit of growing pains there. Don't let it get the better of you.
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Postby Jynxie » Sat Oct 21, 2000 9:34 am

<b><font color=purple>Thanks you guys I appreciate your thoughts. Fez I know that its the old stuff and not the new guy. He's really good to me and he would never ever treat me like the ex did. I think that's part of why I am so frustrated. He doesn't deserve to have to put up with my "baggage" but he does. But I tell you what nothing kills the mood like a crying redhead. <img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle> He handled it real well. I'm just really not comfortable talking with people about my passt, mostly because I am afraid they will look at me differently and I don't want that. You guys, I can't see the look in your eyes so its different. I either get all this pity from people forever or they look at me like I am the fucked up one liked I asked for it or something because I stayed with him so long. Dumb asses it doesn't work that way! But what can you do. ANyway my point was I really don't have anyone to talk to about this so where do I get advice? You're it. LOL Lucky you guys. Ed thanks for listening you know you're my hero. <img src=icon_smile_kisses.gif border=0 align=middle> And Andi thanks for the quote from the book, it helped.</font id=purple></b>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
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Postby Fez » Sat Oct 21, 2000 11:02 am

That's one of the great things about After Hours. We're close enough with eachother to share things like this.

The funny thing is we get this close partly because we're far enough to talk about things that we would have a hard time saying face to face.

In the end we share even more than we ever might have otherwise. You're a strong woman, I can see that, but even the strongest of us have our soft spots. Don't let that get to you. It's quite normal. If you didn't have emotions like that, you'd be a machine.



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Postby possumsgirl » Mon Oct 23, 2000 11:57 am

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
[b][purple]Thanks you guys I appreciate your thoughts. Fez I know that its the old stuff and not the new guy. He's really good to me and he would never ever treat me like the ex did. I think that's part of why I am so frustrated. He doesn't deserve to have to put up with my "baggage" but he does. But I tell you what nothing kills the mood like a crying redhead. <img src=icon_smile_wink.gif border=0 align=middle> He handled it real well. I'm just really not comfortable talking with people about my passt, mostly because I am afraid they will look at me differently and I don't want that. You guys, I can't see the look in your eyes so its different. I either get all this pity from people forever or they look at me like I am the fucked up one liked I asked for it or something because I stayed with him so long.<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

Jynxie>> Know that you are not alone on this one...I'm wearing the same shoes in a relationship right now...and he doesn't deserve to put up with my "baggage" either, but he does...yes, it has begun to stress our relationship...but we do care enuf about each other to make it...and I've got to learn to put my faith in him...and learn to separate the two...because *I* deserve that, too.

You will eventually be able to do so as well. Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open...It's the only thing that really WILL work.

So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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Postby Jynxie » Thu Oct 26, 2000 8:14 am

<font color=purple>Thanks PG. I heard a really cool thing yesterday. I was talking to one of our mutual friends the other day, one I hadn't spoken to in a few months and she was telling me about a conversation they'd(her & my Boy) had. To make a long story short, about 6 months ago I was thinking of calling the relationship quits and moving back to home to California. I guess he and she had a long talk about it. He told her how much he loved me and how much he didn't want me to leave and yadda yadda yadda, along with how he didn't feel like he should influence my decision because if I wasn't happy here then it would be better for me to return home to where my family is. Anyway, I didn't have a clue about all that. The only thing he really said to me was he didn't want me to leave and he loved me, but nothing else. No emphatic pleas, etc. It made me feel really good to know he felt that way. It was so cool to know that he said such great things about me/us. Anyway, I just wanted to share.</font id=purple>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
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Postby Fez » Thu Oct 26, 2000 8:55 am

It's funny how some people cannot share their feelings. It's one of those things that make you go hmmmmm.

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Postby possumsgirl » Thu Oct 26, 2000 10:54 am

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
It's funny how some people cannot share their feelings. It's one of those things that make you go hmmmmm.
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote></font id=quote><font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" size=2 id=quote>

Actually, it's pretty difficult, especially when opening up to someone and sharing your feelings usually ENDS every relationship for you. It's terrifying.

When you do it, when you find that right person...it can be a beautiful thing. Just be sure to appreciate it and not wear them out.

So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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Postby Fez » Sat Oct 28, 2000 11:27 pm

True, sometimes opening up is the first step in ending a relationship, but it's better to end a relationship that is not being honest. When you open up to somebody, and they stick around and open up to you... that's when it all pays off.

Love requires trust and communication. If you can't trust somebody enough to open up, it's already doomed.


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Postby Jynxie » Sun Oct 29, 2000 8:29 am

<font color=purple><b>He's one of those guys that doesn't much talk about anything to anyone. I don't want to say he's shy or reserved, he's cautious I guess. His ex really screwed him over bigtime and now he's careful. But it's not just about emotional stuff. He's KING of the one word answers. You have to keep asking questions to get anything out of him to everyone but me. So I can accept the fact that he's a little hesitant to share all his feelings with me just yet. I am a patient girl when I have to be.</b></font id=purple>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
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Postby Fez » Sun Oct 29, 2000 11:08 pm

One word answers are okay as long as they are truthful. Some people just talk that way.

I remember back in school when we had a question like "What did you think about that book you just read?", if we wrote "It was good.", the teacher would have to tell us to say something like "I thought 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' was a very good book because it is the story of a boy just like me who found out he had magical powers, and he used them for only good things."

I guess you can call your guy "Joe Friday"... Just the facts, 'mam.


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Postby possumsgirl » Mon Oct 30, 2000 9:33 am

"Joe Friday"...lol...NOW I know what to call Possum...lol...He's like that too, Jynxie...

Persistence and communication...hang in there! You deserve to be happy! You know, it took Possum almost a year to open up to me...I mean REALLY open up to me...and we had to go thru some kind of "crisis" first...but I think we're communicating better than ever...Your man will open up eventually, but it may take a long time. And it may surprise you *how* it happens. Just be his best friend and all will work out in the end.

So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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Postby Paige42986 » Wed Nov 08, 2000 11:19 pm

I fully understand how you feel. I was in a
very abusive marriage where all of the abuses
came into play. I was raped by my ex-husband
and even though it has been 14 years since it
happened my sex life still suffers. I am a better stronger person but sex is something
I still am very anxious about. I am not a
sexual being because of it. I am trying so
hard to heal but I don't know wether I ever
will. The man I am going to spend the rest of
my life with will be a very understanding person who knows about rape and what it does
to a woman. Don't get me wrong if I could enjoy sex again that would be great but I
don't now and I can't help that. You sound
strong and I wish I could be like that.

There is nothing better
then a room full of good
friends and alot of love
going on.
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Postby Jynxie » Thu Nov 09, 2000 6:52 am

<font color=purple> <b>Joe Friday huh? Ya well maybe that IS appropriate. Sometimes its frustrating, but mostly I'm ok with it. I have learned how to ask him specific questions that he answers well. It's just a matter of time I guess. There are a lot of things he still doesn't know about my past relationship that still affect us. But most of the baggage is from childhood. This just isn't stuff a person can sit down and say "Oh hey! Let's talk about how screwed up my life has been and how hard it's going to make things for us." I mean it seems more like as it interferes I talk about it. Besides the fact that very very few people in my life even know about any of it. I actually know one person, other than me, that knows everything. Everyone else just knows bits & pieces. I think mostly I am just worried he'll look at me different. People do you know? They get this strange look in their eyes whenever they talk to you after they know. And I just really don't want him to be one of those people. I like the way he sees me. I know this is stupid and you are all going to say if he loves you he'll love every part of you. It's just not that easy.</b></font id=purple>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
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Postby Fez » Sat Nov 11, 2000 12:42 pm

I don't think you need to go out of your way to talk about issues of the past. If you find a time in your life when those issues no longer bother you, perhaps they'll come out, but what good would that do?

For the most part, never dig up a bad memory, it serves no purpose. Give your Joe Friday the best of you, and leave your bad memories to the old guy.

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Postby Paige42986 » Sat Nov 11, 2000 11:22 pm

I know I deserve better then my ex husband.
But I still have to worry about him when it
comes to Michael. He is the type of person
who likes to stir up trouble just to stir up
touble and he isn't happy until he does it.
I have lived with the fear that he will kidnap Michael for 14 years. Just because he
is adopted by my dad won't stop him. I don't
like living in fear like that but I will protect Michael from him. Most people don't
understand that fear. It is so scary. But Michael will be the one to really hurt him
because he has a lot of anger in him that
if they were put together it would explode
and I don't blame him. I have trouble finding
men who accept the situation I am in with
Michael. Right now I am coming to a point where I can be alone for the rest of my life
if I have to. May be I wasn't meant to be
with any one.

There is nothing better
then a room full of good
friends and alot of love
going on.
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Postby Fez » Sun Nov 12, 2000 2:06 am

Paige, nothing is ever hopeless, and nobody was meant to be alone. Those are choices.

[Sermon On]
Yes, hope is a choice, and being alone is a choice. Hope is not just wishing for something good, but knowing it will come. You can choose to think that your life has a certain path that is leading someplace you don't like, or you can see the path that God has made for you and follow it.

The only way to see that path is to ask God to help you see it, and thank Him for it every day... That means thanking Him for it even before you see it with your own eyes.

I'm not where I wanted to be right now, but I'm certain I'm someplace better than I'd be if I didn't have any faith at all. I continue to give thanks for the place where I'm going... even though I have not seen it. Having faith means knowing you are better off now than you would be without God, and knowing you have greater things ahead of you because of Him.

[/Sermon Off]


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Postby possumsgirl » Sun Nov 12, 2000 6:59 am

Every now and then we need a sermon...especially when you're right...lol...I follow that train of thought as well, but sometimes we forget it and it's good to have a reminder out there...so...thanks, Fez!

I've found that bringing up old issues from my past isn't really "productive" in my relationship (of course, I've NEVER opened up until now, too...) It can actually be quite tiring and trying on a relationship...SSSSSSOOOooooooooo, my alternative is seeking therapy. It's great! I love it...I get one hour a week to feel sorry about my life and have some stranger tell me to pick my ass up and get on with things...sounds stupid, but, when your mate is dealing with issues of his own, it helps to not be dumping *all* your worries on him AND be primed to be a better support system to him by "purging" with a therapist once a week.

Am I crazy...well, aren't we all to some degree???

So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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Postby Jynxie » Sun Nov 12, 2000 1:02 pm

<font color=purple><b>Funny I just don't see it as "dumping" in anyone to discuss your life. I'm of the thought that knowing who there person you love WAS helps to know who they ARE. I want to know about his past. I want to know why things didn't work with the ex. That stuff is important. I mean really, there are certain things that upset or irritate a person and if you have a heads-up ahead of time it makes things easier later.

For example, I am one of those people that when I get angry about something I like to cool off before talking about it. I have learned that discussing things when you are angry only makes it worse. The few times we've gotten in fights, I have left the room and gone downstairs to cool off and think things through. Most of the times I have ended up falling asleep on the couch after. It really upset him and I didn't know why until we talked about his relationship with the ex. I found out they never slept in the same bed after their son was born. I mean NEVER. Not once. She always slept in a different bed with the son. To me that is insane to never sleep with your husband/boyfriend. So when I would sleep on the couch it set him off because he was thinking there was something wrong with him that she/I didn't want to share a bed. And that wasn't it for me at all. I don't do that anymore. I still cool off downstairs, but I always make sure I stay awake long enough to come back up.

My point is telling your significant other about your past does help a relationship. Just telling someone that something bothers you is not always enough. Sometimes they need to know why.

And as for my faith in God. Well I have faith in me and so far that's enough. I am sure if your God exists and he is as benevolent as you all claim then with my past he will understand my hestitance to "believe". And if doesn't, well then he was never the God for me anyway.</b></font id=purple>

If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
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Postby possumsgirl » Sun Nov 12, 2000 1:27 pm

I agree that it helps to know a person's past, helps to understand their idiosyncrasies...why they respond the way they do...or why they fear what they do...

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of sharing past, present, and future baggage...in a short period of time (AKA...a mini nervous-breakdown that I'm now on medication for)it "wierded" him out....and with good right. But we're working through it...and communicating well...and finding out more about each other...but at a much slower pace...but it's so much more intense.

I don't think it's necessary to know ALL the details, but, for example, his knowing about my abusive marriage explains a lot for him about my fears of anger...or my need to see his anger at times (not in an abusive way - I know Possum would NEVER do that) but in a constructive, venting, cleansing sort of way...

My knowing what another woman had done to him...or a pattern in his relationships explains a lot to me, so we talk about it...which most likely wasn't done before with the other women, and it seems to help him accept some things...and to have faith in others...

It's tough to know what to say and when...but having faith in ourselves, each other and our relationship does a HELL of a lot of good!

So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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Postby Fez » Mon Nov 13, 2000 12:09 am

I can see both sides of this issue, and I think it comes down to saying communication is critical. Everything and anything that is going through your mind should be brought up to your mate. Nothing should ever be hidden. HOWEVER, if there are things that you have been working on forgetting, the kind of things that you no longer even care to remember... leave them behind.

As for therapy... I have several friends who are therapists. I would share problems with them from time to time and I enjoyed the "professional" approach to handling them. A year and a half ago when I had some huge problems hitting me at the same time as some family problems, I asked them for the phone number of a therapist I could talk to on a regular basis.

The result was I not only started seeing one weekly, but I managed to get the members of my family who were going through the problems that were bothing me to start seeing him too. The net result is some of the problems are still there, but I feel better knowing they are working on them.

The great thing about a therapist is they are a lot like the people of After Hours... they listen, they comment, they offer advice and in some cases make you laugh or cry. I spent the first couple of sessions dumping and exploring my families problems, and the rest on working on some solutions and having some great laughs.



<b>Fez
Just a Guy in a Funny Hat
http://members.aol.com/fez</b>
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Postby Jynxie » Tue Nov 14, 2000 5:51 am

<font color=purple><b>Ok so you all went from leave it behind you to talking is good. Grrr sometimes you people confuse me. <img src=icon_smile.gif border=0 align=middle> But in a good way. I do understand what Fez said about if you are trying to forget certain things there is no reason to bring them up. There's nothing about my life I wish to forget. As far as I am concerned everything from my past, good and bad, has made me who I am. I like who I am so.... But PG had a great point about taking things slow. That's pretty much what I am doing. As it comes up, we talk. There are times though when I just want to explain things to him and it's not always the right time. I feel like if you truly love someone you should be able to say anything and they should be able to handle anything. In reality, that's not always the case, but it's a nice dream. LOL What PG said gave me some hope that the "Boy" and I will eventually get everything out that needs to be gotten out and work through it. Thanks!I'll tell you one thing though, the more I learn about his past relationship with his ex makes me realize why he is the way he is. I swear I have NEVER ever had a conversation with that woman when she hasn't been bitching about something. She cornered me in MY kitchen one day for about 2 hours and did nothing but complain about everything. About how bad my "Boy" is and how bad her new husband is and how much she can't stand his 3 year old daughter. I swear it was all the self control I could muster not to strangle the woman. I do very little bitching and complaining, mostly because I have very little to bitch and complain about. Life is good, and I really don't understand the whole "woe is me" attitude people get. Damn be glad you're not short, fat, balding, out of work, living in a cardboard box filled with bugs somewhere and shut the Hell up! <img src=icon_smile_evil.gif border=0 align=middle> </b></font id=purple>

<hr>If you get them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
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Postby possumsgirl » Tue Nov 14, 2000 11:11 am

You're right...people complain too much...I've spent the last year bitching about my job...and people are plain sick of it, and I am too...so I'm looking for a new one...I hate being a negative person, so instead of changing me, I'll change my job...

(((((((ANYONE HIRING??))))))))

Anyways, some people are never happy, and need to bitch to validate their importance to any situation (or themselves)...other people think that they only deserve to be with someone like that...As for me...I'll quit bitching and stick with my non-bitcher...lol

Jynxie>> FAITH is the word of the day...put your faith in someone, share your faith with someone, and be someone that can have another's faith put into, and you're golden!

<hr>So I say to the Dalai Llama...How about a little something, you know, for the effort,
you know?" And he says, "...On your death bed, you will receive total consciousness."
So I got that going for me, which is nice. -
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