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First Aid for the Heart
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Postby evilstunna » Thu Mar 08, 2001 1:07 am

hey guys here's that i could use a lil help on. ok i've been dating a girl for about 6 months now and she is what i want outta life and more. recently she has been having mood swings and she tries to control me by trying to take away my hobbies. just last night i was told by her i can't chat online anymore by way of irc or bbs she is convinced that i lost feelings for her and that i am using the irc and bbs to find a new mate. i never gave her any reason to doubt my love and devotion for her. i don't feel that i should have to give up my hobbies but i don't want to lose her either if anyone has any advice it would be appreciated
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Postby Darlene 6 » Thu Mar 08, 2001 1:25 am

<font face='Papyrus'><b>How old are you Evilstunna, and how old is she? I only ask because she sounds young. She's a manipulator. Maybe you do love her, and my advice is not to let her manipulate you like that... I know of some couples where this has happened for many many years, and it doesn't end - pretty soon everything is the way the manipulator wants it, except that it seems the more power thay have, the unhappier they get and the more thay want! I think you have to explain to her that you enjoy internet chatting, that you are NOT looking to replace her, and that you wouldn't take away hobbies of hers, so she shouldn't try to take away yours. Be firm that you are not giving up things you enjoy, but reassure her that she means the world to you. Maybe even include her in your internet activities, showing her some of your posts and some of the sites you visit. If it doesn't help, and she still insists, and MEANS it, then you have to decide if she's worth the hassle of being controlled all your life. Sometimes people do believe it IS worth it, but go into it with your eyes open anyway, that it will not be the last time she does it. </font id='Papyrus'>
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Postby Goblin_182 » Thu Mar 08, 2001 1:49 am

Evilstunna, run for your life. You may feel like this is the only girl for you, but you will never be happy. She will try to control every aspect of your life. And even when she does it won't be good enough. RUN!!!!!!!!!
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Postby gnat » Thu Mar 08, 2001 2:08 am

If you choose to allow someone to construct a fence around you, better make sure there's a gate in the blueprints.
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Postby Fez » Thu Mar 08, 2001 5:16 am

I agree with Darlene: "Maybe even include her in your internet activities, showing her some of your posts and some of the sites you visit. "

I think sharing your interests is a key issue here. If you are meant for eachother, sharing your interests is something very important. If by doing this she still doesn't want you to follow your hobbies, then it will only be trouble later.

This brings up a few points. If she is against your Internet activities, it could be a sign that she simply doesn't understand them. That is also a sign that you are already not sharing yourself 100%. Sharing is important... never forget that. If you try to share your Internet experiences with her, and she doesn't enjoy it... that's okay, you don't have to be clones of eachother to be compatible, but at least she'll understand some of your hobbies.



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Postby Goblin_182 » Thu Mar 08, 2001 5:32 am

I disaggree with you on this one Fez. It soen't sound like she doesn't understan his hobbies. He stated that she has made him give up other hobbies too. She doesn't want understand his interest, she want to be his only interest.
He needs to tell her what my sis-in-laws hubby told her. Right after they were married she complained about him going hunting. He told her "I hunted long before we were married, I will be hunting long after were not". She never said another word about him hunting.
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Postby jackalz » Thu Mar 08, 2001 11:04 am

evilstunna, if you don't live your own life, then you don't have your life. She apparently doesn't want you, she wants a Ken doll, (or thinks she does). As soon as you cave in and not be the person you are, then she'll leave you because you will be too bland. So, take her out, do something you like to do together, but let her (and yourself) know that if it isn't you that she is "loving", then there is no point to the "love". Quotes because what you're saying is love is more likely addiction, which is a whole different animal.
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Postby Sir Mergy » Thu Mar 08, 2001 11:30 am

This is a hard one I think. Evil, you diden't say how many hours a day you spend on your hobbies. hey guess I'm playing the devels advocate here but you know how women are. Women don't like wimps. this is true. women want to be loved, honored, and bossed around, but just like when they want you to look but don't let them know youre looking, well be the boss but don't let her know youre bossing her around. It's a hard skill but you can learn it.

Seriously, common sense should be appropriate here. If youre not ignoring her and spending all your time on your hobbies and expect her to be waiting in the corner then she's in the wrong. do what Gobby said. But if you are spending all your spare time on your hobbies and expect her to be available at your beckining like an old waiting room mag then youre in the wrong. sit down and think about it. If someone does dominate in a relationship it should be the husband. But it shouldn't be an overbearing domination. It should be a loving and careing domination.
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Postby Fez » Thu Mar 08, 2001 12:21 pm

I may be wrong, but if he wasn't very specific about the other hobbies, or of he has tried to involve her (as Darlene suggested).

The thing about it was he said "... she is convinced that i list feelings for her... " Based on that, it's hard to know if she said that because he is not paying attention to her as much (because of all the hobbies), or if she is just looking to be his ONLY hobby.

I agree with you Goblin, he shouldn't give up the hobbies, but he should make an attempt to see if she will get involved and share them with him first. If she doesn't want to share them, that's fine. But again, if she still asks him to give them up... see ya!

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Postby feisty_redhead » Thu Mar 08, 2001 2:48 pm

<font face='Papyrus'><b><font color=blue><font size=4> <BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
women want to be loved, honored, and bossed around, but just like when they want you to look but don't let them know youre looking, well be the boss but don't let her know youre bossing her around.

If someone does dominate in a relationship it should be the husband. But it shouldn't be an overbearing domination. It should be a loving and careing domination.
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></font id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>

Merg, gotta say, on this one you're way off. At least in the generalization. It may be true that SOME women desire that kind of a relationship, but it certainly isn't all women nor the majority of women.

While I don't want my future s/o to be a dishrag and not stand up for his own beliefs, nor do I want to be bossed around. EVER. I'm very good at spotting manipulative tactics too. If anyone is going to provide "a loving and careing domination" in my relationship, it's gonna be me.

I have never liked being told what to do. If, however, I agree with someone, I will do what they want and allow them to think they're in charge. <img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle></font id='Papyrus'></font id=size4></font id=blue></b>
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Postby Darlene 6 » Thu Mar 08, 2001 9:32 pm

<font face='Papyrus'><b>I wondered who was gonna get Mergy for that "loving, caring domination" thing. LOL! But you know what? I think Daydreamr is one of the least dominated women on the planet. I think the two of them actually have it worked out pretty well. And neither one of them would dream of ordering the other to drop hobbies. <p>I agree with Fez also - it sounds like Evilstunna really does care for this woman and it's at least worth seeing if sharing the hobbies would work. It wouldn't hurt, and maybe that's all it would take - we don't know enough about the situation to really judge. </font id='Papyrus'>
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Postby Sir Mergy » Thu Mar 08, 2001 10:16 pm

HA! Feisty sweetheart, don't you know that a loving domenering husband NEVER NEVER tells his spouse what to do or NEVER EVER bosses her around. that's so gross and vulgar. No. A good spouse has a way of getting the S/O to do his biddings that makes her very eager and happy do do whatever he wants, and she'll never suspect that she's being dominated. Dominating a woman is an ART. a VERY SKILFUL aRT. BUT, if a woman is deliriously happy I see no harm in this.

Just wait. someday you'll get all starry eyed, float off in a clowd of affection and be happy for ever and ever and never realize that S/O is dominating you all them years.<img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>
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Postby Sir Mergy » Thu Mar 08, 2001 10:19 pm

Darlene, you would never suspect it but I've had The Dreamer under my thumb for years. But like I say. she's so happy she don't even realise it.;)
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Postby Darlene 6 » Thu Mar 08, 2001 10:22 pm

<font face='Papyrus'><b>Mergy, all I can say is "ROTFLMAO"!! <p><tt>Has she SEEN this converstion?? LOL!</font id='Papyrus'>
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Postby Ed Sysop » Fri Mar 09, 2001 1:24 am

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
HA! Feisty sweetheart, don't you know that a loving domenering husband NEVER NEVER tells his spouse what to do or NEVER EVER bosses her around. that's so gross and vulgar. No. A good spouse has a way of getting the S/O to do his biddings that makes her very eager and happy do do whatever he wants, and she'll never suspect that she's being dominated. Dominating a woman is an ART. a VERY SKILFUL aRT. BUT, if a woman is deliriously happy I see no harm in this.

Just wait. someday you'll get all starry eyed, float off in a clowd of affection and be happy for ever and ever and never realize that S/O is dominating you all them years.<img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></font id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>


Ok, I'm taking odds on this one.....


3 to 1 on Mergy as "dead man walking" <img src=silly.gif border=0 align=middle>
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Postby feisty_redhead » Fri Mar 09, 2001 3:23 am

<font face='Papyrus'><b><font color=blue><font size=4> Nah, fortunately for Mergy I know his sense of humor and I know his wife.

However, to Merg I say...Don't hold your breath, bucko.</font id='Papyrus'></font id=size4></font id=blue></b>
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Postby mergy » Fri Mar 09, 2001 6:29 am

<font size=3> Feisty......... all I can say is, the calmest hour is always just before the storm. The darkest hour is always just before the light of dawn. Careful Kiddo you might be closer to going over the edge then you think. But I won't hold my breath.</font id=size3>
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Postby mergy » Fri Mar 09, 2001 6:36 am

Ed my good man, youre showing a definate lack of the proper woman domenering training.

See, I had the Dreamers permission to post that. By giving me permission it made her deliriously happy to think she's giving me permission to do something, when all along that's the way I planed it. You gotta learn to keep em thinking theyre in charge.
This way you can get by with anything. Just make em think it's their idea.<img src=icon_smokin.gif border=0 align=middle>
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Postby feisty_redhead » Fri Mar 09, 2001 7:41 am

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>
You gotta learn to keep em thinking theyre in charge.
This way you can get by with anything. Just make em think it's their idea.<img src=icon_smokin.gif border=0 align=middle>
<hr height=1 noshade id=quote></font id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>

Women have been doing that for millenia.<img src=icon_smile_big.gif border=0 align=middle>
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Postby Safety » Fri Mar 09, 2001 8:24 am

This discussion brings to mind a song...

"Hard Headed Woman" by Cat Stevens...

Somehow it seems appropriate...*s*...
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Postby osage » Fri Mar 09, 2001 8:41 am

<BLOCKQUOTE id=quote><font size=1 face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica" id=quote>quote:<hr height=1 noshade id=quote>Women have been doing that for millenia. <hr height=1 noshade id=quote></font id=quote></BLOCKQUOTE id=quote>
Just imagine what they will do for millinery!
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Postby daydreamr4 » Fri Mar 09, 2001 9:04 am

<font color="#00cc00" face="Comic Sans MS"><b>Evilstunna, You didn't give us very much to go on here; but there's one truth that nobody's brought out yet. To truly be able to love someone you have to be able to love yourself. I don't mean in a selfish way now; but be comfortable with yourself and be yourself whatever that is. Love based on anything less than that from both people is in trouble from the get go. You can't try to be something you're not for another person. It never works, you'll just wind up resentful; and that spells trouble with a capital T. Worse is trying to change somebody else into your idea of how they should be. So be yourself; and give her every opportunity to try your hobbies while you try hers too. The glue that really holds two people together is caring for them exactly as they are, not how you want them to be or how you think it should be; and trusting that they care for you the same way. Hobbies, interests come and go. People change. That's life. If you can celebrate the other persons living their life in a way that let's them be themself, you're off to a good start. That doesn't mean you always do just what you want to do either regardless. You have to try and find common ground too. Things you both enjoy doing. Things you both want to work for. No relationship can last without spending time doing things together either. But it has to be things you both want to do, things you grow into together, not things the other wants you to do. I wouldn't dream of telling s/o he couldn't do something; nor would he tell me I can't do something. But if the other one doesn't like doing something, pretty soon we get tired of doing it by ourselves and start looking for something else we can both enjoy. I hope this makes some sense to you. It's a tough one to try and explain. <P>And fortunately, I KNOW Mergy's sense of humor too. LOL! </b></font>
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Postby Fez » Fri Mar 09, 2001 11:43 am

Very well put Daydreamer.

The interesting catch-22 in this case is that one of the things his girlfriend told him not to do anymore is to use a BBS... well, that's what this place is, and it looks like he's not around here anymore. I hope he at least makes an exception and reads some of our advice.

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Postby jackalz » Fri Mar 09, 2001 1:11 pm

Nope, he's gone hopelessly out of AH's influence. Will he come back? Will they find true luv? Find out after a word from our sponsor, Dead Cat Soap. "Yes, dear, there's a whole dead cat in every bar of Dead Cat Soap."
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Postby feisty_redhead » Fri Mar 09, 2001 1:37 pm

<font face='Papyrus'><b><font color=blue><font size=4> LMAO @ Jack. <img src=jestera.gif border=0 align=middle> You need to bring out that wicked sense of absurdist humor more often. </font id='Papyrus'></font id=size4></font id=blue></b>
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