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Lost In The Dark

First Aid for the Heart
Ever been dumped? Or maybe going through hell from a relationship? Drop in and talk about it.

Lost In The Dark

Postby LostInTheDark » Mon Jul 02, 2001 8:33 am


I am new here... And I guess I'm just looking for a place to vent my frustrations and heartache. I hear that this is a good place to do that... so I will. If anyone cares to offer some insight, feel free to do so.

I was recently dumped by my sweetheart. Yes, I know. It happens to the best of us. Nothing new. But knowing all of that doesn't make it any better.

The long and short of it... I'll start with the short story. The last guy she was with filled her head and heart so full of garbage that she can't tell left from right. By that I mean, she's been mentally traumatised and is in a perpetual state of emotional chaos from what this joker did to her. And now that she's with (or was with) a guy like me... the proverbial gentleman and all around nice guy who never disrespect a lady, much less intentionally hurt her for his own selfish desires, she didn't know how to think or react to me. Or so I'm guessing.

The long story? We've actually been friends for years - Since childhood actually. It seems now that we always had feelings for each other, and a lot in common with each other, but we were both going in different directions in our lives and never really met in a romantic sense. Our paths finally crossed not too long ago...

Where do I begin? She was young, innocent and still naive about the world - barely a high school grad. She was optimistic about her future... and yet she also possessed a certain uncertainty about herself and where she was going. At one point she encountered a man who is/was supposed to be one of those *trusted* individuals who guides young people like herself into a better life by signing them on with the armed forces... etc. You get the picture.

Yeah, he guided her into a better future alright. He played on her emotions and her insecurity... he played mind games. And he used her. In every single goddamed fucking way you can think of, he used her. And then he dropped her... but of course that wasn't until after she got pregnant with and gave birth to his baby... and was no longer thin and beautiful to him.

This guy is (or was) a married man in his 40s! I guess his life sucked so he decided to go and have an affair or two on the side and ruin someone else's life. What a fucking bastard! That fact was bad enough. The fact that he manipulated a girl the same age as his own *children* for sex and then made her a concubine at his own *home* doesn't make it any better.

Of course he never loved her beyond the fact that she could help him get his rocks off and fulfill any number of his own twisted sexual fantasies. But she was infatuated with him, in typical adolescent fashion. The kind that leaves you vulnerable to almost any kind of manipulation. Even when he told her that he was married, had kids her age, etc... she was so emotionally entangled that the reality didn't hit her until much, much later...

Flash forward to today. We kinda got involved with each other... and maybe it was for the wrong reasons. I think that somehow she was thinking that getting into another relationship would help her get over the old one... Yeah, right. I guess I didn't know any better either. And now, I'm privvy to this vicious cycle of emotional/sexual abuse. And boy, does it hurt...

There are a lot of women and girls who go looking for this sort of relationship. You know the type -- Golddiggers, etc. She wasn't one of those. She was just a young girl who had every reason to look forward to her future. But she was naive and innocent... the perfect target for some vile bastard like that to take advantage of people. Now she cries and cries over the things that she lost... her innocence... her virginity... the things she someday hoped to share with her husband... and the best years of her life. She spent the first *five years* of her adult life with some bastard who didn't even give a damn about her... or her dreams and ambitions... at a time when other people her age were heading off to college and trying to forge careers for themselves and chasing her dreams. Even now, she's not totally free to do as she pleases... hindered by the fact that she's the mother and caregiver of his child.

She's so full of anger and resentment towards him for taking advantage of her... and herself for letting this happen. How could she possibly give herself to me totally and completely when she's still thinking about how much of herself that she gave to him... and how he just used her for sex and her body... and rejected all of the other things about her... her love... and that he didn't care about her dreams and ambitions at all.

I DO care about her. And I love her. I love her for who she is and I care about all of her dreams and ambitions. I'm not looking for a sex slave or a concubine. I'm just looking for a good woman. And I thought I had found her. But thanks to what some other fucking bastard put her through... It seems that we can't be together now... and I'm just lost in the dark...

She's a victim. I'd call it rape. Although not in the traditionally accepted sense... this could be just as vile if not worse.

I guess I'm a victim now too since I share in her problems. There are times when I feel I could have picked up a gun, tracked down the bastard who did this to her and emptied it into him. Every last fucking bullet. Although I'd only need three. One in his brain. One in his heart. And one in his groin. Those are all of the parts of his being that he used to hurt her. But then I realize that I'd probably wind up in prison or dead myself... and that would only make the problems worse... and make her feel even more guilty.

What can I do? I'm totally powerless and helpless in this situation. There's nothing I can do for her now. Nothing I can do to ease the torment and the pain she feels... those feelings that have surfaced to block out any love that she could feel for me. The mental and emotional anguish that she suffers from on a daily and nightly basis... The nightmares she has. If only I could turn back time... Maybe I could have said something to her then... Maybe I could have stopped her... But alas, that is also useless to think of any such thing.

She is seeing a head shrink... I guess she's acknowledged that she was a victim of sorts and needs help... I guess that's the first step on the road to recovery... All I can do is stand on the sidelines... try to move on with my own life and remember her in my prayers...

Easier said than done... which is why I am Lost In The Dark...
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Postby Lizzie » Mon Jul 02, 2001 9:40 am

Holy Shit. All I can do is say that I'll read and care. Maybe you could get some help to figure out what you can do, but, I can offer no advice. There are some very insightful people here. I hope one of them can do more, Lizzie
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Postby kathindy-sue » Mon Jul 02, 2001 11:58 pm

LITD...have you tried Couples Counciling? Talk with your Pastor/Minister/Rabbi, etc. They can at least point you in the right direction. Even if SHE won't go, YOU should go if only to get your heart healing. It's wonderful that you love her and want to help her but at the same time, until you two ARE married you must NOT make her troubles your own. It will drag you down with her. Help and love her all you can but reserve part of yourself for YOU. It's called self-preservation. You can't help her if you're a mess too, and from the sound of things she really needs you. Good luck and keep us posted.
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Postby jackalz » Wed Jul 04, 2001 10:26 pm

This is a tough one. I, too, can't find empathy in this situation, as I've never had to deal with anything close to this level of tyrant and the effects of it. But being the fool that I am, I'll try to offer advice.

First, the tyrant lives in a world of his own hell. He can't find real love and hasn't had any real love for a long long time. Pity him.

Situations like this come to people to teach lessons, not because your friend was anymore naive than any other typical adolescent, but just because she was the unlucky one to be found by this predator. The lessons of this level of tyrant are great if one can overcome it. It's one of the things that takes personal strength to overcome, which takes time to rebuild after such torture. And from the looks of this one, I can almost guarantee you that the predator will be back, to see if the personal strength is gained or if weakness is still making for an easy prey. Where she finds this personal strength, will be in herself, not you. You can encourage it, but really that will not be enough, either.

What you need to do is find the personal strength in your own life, in order to be a model for showing her some ways to find inner strength. Face your own fears and challenges, and share the love you've been sharing, with your other friends, with your family. Since you've taken on this healing project, in order to do a good job, you must have great inner strength. However, it will be better if you are not the only source of strength for her, so don't fight against the caring of other individuals who also want to help. You seem to have already understood that you can't do this in order to gain her trust and love, since part of her lesson is to not give that level of trusting without much more careful consideration. I'm sure at the beginning the tyrant showed enough trustability to get her to let her guard down. It's much better to encourage her that she is being smart to dole out trust by small degrees, rather than all or nothing.

Disclaimer: this is only my opinion, based on absolutely no facts. I really don't know what you should do. Good Luck and God's Speed
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Postby LostInTheDark » Sat Jul 07, 2001 3:55 am

I wish it all had never happened... What happened to her. I wish that I could take all of her pain away and deal with it myself. I'd give just about anything just to see her happy... To see happiness and joy in her eyes... And know that it was real and overwhelmingly strong enough to counter her sadness and sorrow.

But I can't. I can't do that for her. I can't do anything for her. And mabye that's what hurts me the most. Being the man that loves her, it's absolutely terrible knowing that I have no power to help the woman who was in my life. That there is nothing I can say or do for her that will help her....

I have told several people about this. It's the only way I can deal with the situation... Although now I am strongly considering seeking a head shrink myself. The reactions are always the same. People are horrified. They are shocked and saddened. Many of them wouldn't even like to see this kind of inner torment, pain and suffering on their worst enemy... Much less a friend.

"Mary" is/was my *best* friend.

What happened to Mary is like rape... only far, far worse. This wasn't a few seconds or minutes... with the victim consciously aware of what's happening to him or her. This attack lasted FIVE YEARS. For five long years of her life, she was violated. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Her pride, ego, will and spirit were all subverted and broken. Her dreams and very life itself were cast aside as her whole being was degraded and she was turned into a mere object to be sacrificed day and night for one tyrant's own selfish gratification. It wasn't even her nubile, virgin body that he desired most, although I'm sure he took a lot of satisfaction from banging a girl his own DAUGHTER's age(!) It was the POWER and CONTROL over someone else... over Mary... that he valued. The same power and control that a rapist exacts over his/her victim.

Only after those five years had passed, and the cocksucker who did this to Mary had gotten her pregnant and she gave birth to his baby, did he finally throw her away... like a oil soaked dirty rag... Only then did she begin to realize what had happened to her. Only then did she began to realize how much of herself she had given up... how much of her life... of herself she had lost for seemingly no reason at all.

Now she seems condemned to spend the rest of her life in an unforgiving, personal hell. A hell where she seems to have been sentenced to take care of the tyrant's child... a child who bears the looks and maybe even the personality of its father. A child that bears the name of its father. Even though she may no longer be in his pysical presence, she hasn't by any means separated herself from his hand in shaping her life. A single mom who has yet to establish herself in a career, she must survive working low end paying jobs -- and on the tyrant's child support payments which he grudgingly concedes to her. He may not be fucking her any more, but he's still fucking her life.

I can relate to what she is feeling. But I can never know just how deep and excruciatingly painful it must be for her. I don't even have anything on her sorrows and anger. I don't know what it's like to have the nightmares that she has, the murderous rage she experiences when fighting back at the tyrant... at his mental, sexual and emotional advances on her... sometimes even successfully... only to wake up scared, devastated and crying... knowing that her situation in real life hasn't changed. Being a man, I can never know just how much... and how deeply it hurts for her. Women feel so, so, so much more than guys do. And Mary is even more emotional than most women are.

So why did I get involved with her if I knew all of this at first? I didn't. I had no idea. I knew she was a single mom and all, and that fact bothered me at first. But after awhile, I saw that in the here and now, just being together with her was the most important thing, and that her past with another man shouldn't bother *me* in the here and now. How could I know that it still bothered her? I doubt if many single moms carry the terrible mental and emotional burden that Mary now carries.

She tried so very, very hard... She wanted so damn much to give me what she knew I needed... to be what she thought I wanted. (Of course, I only wanted her to be herself!) She wanted to be so loving and giving... to be supportive of me and to give every bit of herself to me. To be sensitive and carefree... and so full of and high on life. She wanted to bond with me... the way that lovers bond. But each time she tried... each time she wanted to get close to me... all the negative feelings and emotions towards the tyrant began to resurface... and then, she had to pull away. How could she give love to me... how could she have sex with me... if she associates those things with pain and sorrow?

Ah, I guess I'm rambling on now. It's been a week now since we last talked. I told her that I'd give her the time and space she needs to get through this... Knowing that she may never come back around... And somehow, I have to find a way to go on with my life... without her.

This pain will always be with Mary. It will never go away entirely. But maybe someday she will be able to put it all into perspective... Maybe someday, she will be able to function and live a normal life. Maybe someday, she will be able to know some kind of happiness and joy in her life where now there is only her heartache and pain. I truly hope that she can and does. It may not be in a relationship with myself or anyone. It might just be through helping and guiding others. Or maybe even just getting up to see another sunrise...

This pain of this loss is with me now, and always as well. I have lost a dear love and with it all of the hopes and dreams that two people in love share together. And for the time being, it seems that I have lost an even dearer friend.

Somehow... I must go on...
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Postby LostInTheDark » Sat Jul 07, 2001 3:56 am

Anyone that believes in God... please pray for Mary... and also for me...
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Postby daydreamr4 » Sat Jul 07, 2001 8:43 am

<font color="#00cc33" face="Comic Sans MS"><b>LostInTheDark. The power to overcome this and be whole again is within her. It is within God's power to bring it to the surface. Counciling is a good start. A support group of women who have lived through similar situations is a better one. And yes there is something you can do for her. Instead of asking anything from her, be her confidence until she regains her own. Believe in her or stay away from her; because if she feels anything for you at all, your fears and hurt will only make hers greater. Don't reinforce her fear and doubt and hatred with your own. It won't be easy and it won't be quick. So stick by her only if you will be there for the long haul, knowing that your relationship may never become that which you want; but believing that she can become whole again. You asked for our prayers, you have mine. Believe in their power. That is all you can do for her now. The rest of the battle she must fight herself. But she needs that belief and someone's confidence in her in the worst way. Bouy her up. Don't drag her down. </b></font>
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Postby Lukahn » Wed Jun 19, 2002 1:32 pm

An update:

I was once "LostInTheDark". And while I don't claim to have a monopoly on light now, I thought I'd take the name of a fictional character known for 'shedding light upon darkness'.

It's been more than a year now since things fell apart. I've more or less picked up the pieces of my life and have moved on. But hardly a day goes by when I don't think of Mary. It's not really in an obsessive way, though. Just sort of the occasional passing thought about her, like wondering where did things go wrong for her and what she's doing now. Something so painful will never entirely fade from my memory, and I don't think I'd wish for it to do so.

I've fought and won this round of my battle vs. 'The Dark Side' by not giving into my emotions and feelings of hatred and rage, and instead choosing to forgive and even love Mary's molester, even for all the heartache and pain he caused her, and through her, me. I've gone from wanting to murder this guy in the worst way in a confrontation, to the kind of mindset that, if we ever met in person, I would probably just ask him why he did what he did to her, and then simply offer him my sympathy for his weakness. Really. I have no desire to hurt him anymore, but rather, I decided that I would break the 'chain of pain' at myself and not allow the evil to continue it's destructive course. I made the choice to be stronger and better than that.

As for Mary, I don't know how she's doing today. But I certainly hope that she's making progress. The last time I talked to her was a week or two after September 11th, when she called me to ask me what I thought about that terrible event. We talked for awhile, and she told me that she's got a severe case of codependency -- to the point where she basically sits around her apartment doing nothing and feels like she doesn't even exist as a person, literally to the point that she believes people can see right through her. She pretty much feels like she's little more than a caregiver to her daughter she had via her ex (before me) and little else, right now.

Mary was going to counseling at the time, and hopefully still is, so perhaps it's helping her piece her life back together. But she admitted that she has a very long way to go before she can bring the 'old Mary' back together from all the shattered pieces, if that's even possible. It may take many years, perhaps even a lifetime, for her to be able to do that. Complicating everything is the fact that she has to look her daughter in the face every day and see a cruel and embittering reminder of the man who brought her life to such ruin. Her battle versus the darkness continues with every waking moment of her existence. It is a perpetual circumstance that I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy, much less can I fathom it for a dear friend. All I can do now is wish and pray for her.

On a lighter note, I've hit the dating scene again, although I haven't had much luck. I try not to worry about it either. Maybe it's just good to go out and have a good time.
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