First Aid for the Heart
Ever been dumped? Or maybe going through hell from a relationship? Drop in and talk about it.


Postby Ed Sysop » Sun Oct 15, 2000 4:14 am

(6/28/00 6:54:56 am)
Reply | Edit | Del All

it's 1:45am my time...that's 2:45 in new york. I just got home from work, I'm
beat, and my husband, whom I still love for no good reason, has left me a
hideous e-mail referring to the past two and a half years, when he was lying
through his teeth, and I was trying to find some way to believe in him, as HIS
I should be rational about his character.
I should be glad to be rid of the lies, the evasions,the illusion of intimacy from
a man who is so shallow, he thinks a scratch is a mortal wound.
I should be rid of him, but instead, at nearly three a.m. your time, I am keening
for the loss.
I feel as if I have lost all dignity.
I feel like disappearing ink.

If there's anyone out there...

"Look long into the abyss and you become the abyss."-Neitzche
(6/28/00 3:51:40 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

I've been torn

Hello Phoenix-

God knows it's hard not to love the bastards they turned into and not cling
onto the past and good times. If you have kids that makes it worse. For a long
time I was torn after Rey and I broke up. No we weren't married but engaged
for 3 years and lived together and we were supposed to get married but at
least to my surprise separated and then and after I moved back here and after
I was raped then it was completely over in a months time. I was scarred, jilted
and torn and it was hard to deal with because I already had plenty to deal
with at the time. I didn't want to move back to Rhinelander from New York.
Then one month later getting raped wasn't exactly a welcome home and to
have him be as heartless as he was just about killed me. Then about 3 months
later or so I found out he started seeing another girl right before we
completely broke up almost a month after I was raped and he dumped me.
That set me back when I found that out cause then I realized not only was I
torn but I had been strung along and that made me more pissed and hurt. But
I still loved him and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to love him anymore and
I didn't want to care who he was with or that he was alive but I did.

After that things started calming down for me but it took a long time to rebuild
myself after that. I didn't want to have anything to do with men or
relationships and I still can't see myself getting married (again) or having
children. I'm at the point now where I don't think about him everyday and yes
I still have fond memories of him but I am doing better without him. If he were
to come back into my life and ask me back he would have to perform miracles
to get me back with him. I couldn't say that a year ago or more. Now I can.

Hang in there girl. I'm pulling for you cause I've been there.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
Crimson Rose
(6/28/00 4:06:38 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: I've been torn

um... he's left you???

look, take it from someone who knows... if they are like that, then get rid. if
they leave, they are not worthy of you. If they try to run you into the ground,
they are scared of the beautty and strength you have inside. If they try to
turn people against you, they are insecure about your popularity.

I hope that helps.

Don't knock masturbation- it's sex with someone I love...
Ed Sysop
(6/28/00 7:02:07 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: ripped

Hugs, Brenda,

From what I remember, things were going south for a while now, so maybe it's
better that things have come to a head.

You're too special to be saddled with an ass, so he did you a favor.

Like an ever-opening flower, the Phoenix will rise again. In the meantime, burn
him in effigy.


Uhhh, wait a minute, wrong line
(6/28/00 9:27:05 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: ripped

I am SO sorry, Erica! I had no idea that you had been through such bad times!
You seem to have lived through far more than your share of incredibly bad
experiences!...You are an incredibly strong woman to endure the abuse you
have taken from the opposite sex...Please don't give up hope! There are still
good men out there...Many, many of them! It just seems to me that those of
us who are "nice" are perceived as "weak" by "predators" of the opposite
sex...We've all known nice people who are continually being shit on by
members of the opposite sex...There always seems to be one who is open,
honest, and loving in every way...And one who takes advantage of the
situation by using them for all they are worth, before dumping them on the
way to their next conquest...WHY?! Why does it seem to happen this way so
often! Why can't those of us who only want to love and be loved end up with
someone who feels the same way!...Life can be cruel, but it is never crueler
than when one is rejected by the one they love, the one they've spilled their
guts to, the one they trusted completely, the one they loved as much as their
heart would let them feel that emotion...Why?!!!...Why does it have to be this

If I sound bitter, well, I am!...No one can relate to the pain you (and Phoenix)
have suffered anymore than I can...Just, please, don't give up hope! I believe
the saying "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." So, let's all be
strong...And pledge ourselves to never become like the subhuman sleaze that
hates the noble side of our nature, a side they don't possess...When I said
elsewhere in this forum that I never trust anyone anymore, I lied...I would like
to believe that, but I see now that that is simply admitting defeat...

Never let your inner self, the part of you that is truly special, be corrupted by
the vile machinations of those who have been hurt in the past and now seek
to hurt others...If we do, our hearts will turn to cold stone, like those of our
oppressors...And our lives will become as empty, hollow, and unfulfilled as their

Peace and Love to All

(6/29/00 12:28:41 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: ripped

Hey Brian-

Thank you for all your kind words. It has been a long road for me the last
couple of years and I'm coming up on the second anniversary to the bastard
who couldn't take no for an answer. I wasn't dating him. I decided I was going
to have dinner with him since he was my ex-best friends husband and some
people (family and friends) have chastised me for that but it wasn't my fault!
I've gone to dinner with married men on friendly terms and they didn't expect
me to do anything with them and didn't try to do anything with me. He is quite
a vile henchman and should rot in hell and I hope to God he dies so I can piss
and shit on his grave.
**if I sound hostile I have some anger left to manage thanks to that prick**

As for Rey, well I called him last March and tried to make up for some of the
shit I pulled and say I was sorry for things and try to be at least civil. We
came to an understanding at that time and I've only talked to him
occasionally. We haven't spoke in months. He's now living in Tucson, AZ where
the girl (22) he dumped me for is. That was a slight blow too since she was
younger than me but I'm not one to see myself as old I'm only 27 and I still
have quite a bit of life and spunk in me. I loved him tremendously and
hopelessly and I was going to marry him and we were talking about having a
baby after we married. Then everything changed. Now I may not be able to
have kids... Ed knows a little about this and so does Deb. The doctors now
feel I'm going through premature ovarian failure but they aren't sure why. I
was having a lot of pain and tests and this and that and I'm still going through
tests and bullshit. I haven't shared too much about it here except in certain a
certain forum. I am feeling better (somewhat) but I would like my battle with
doctors to be over with.

For the first paragraph I wanted to mention I have been through counseling
and group therapy and still occasionally talk to my counselor when times get
tough. I am doing better but I'm still not looking forward to July 4th.. that's
part of the reason why I'm taking my vacation at that time. Last year was a
bit of a nightmare but I am pushing to make this one better.

Thank you again for all the kind words.. I want you not to worry so much. I am
doing better and I enjoy being here and talking to you and everyone. I wanted
to help Brenda with my words and hope she understands that I do understand
where she's coming from at least somewhat.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(6/29/00 11:35:47 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Feeling good about leaving.

As a "Nice Guy" I have trouble hearing stories from women who fell in love with
"not-so-nice guys" and were taken advantage of, neglected or abused.

I used to wonder why they kept going back, and why they would still have
deep feelings for them. Guys like me seem to be dropped without a second
thought, while women seem to cling to the bad guys.

I've come to a simple conclusion. I think people in general want to think that
they were not completely wrong in choosing them in the first place. They like
to be able to say "he/she wasn't always bad". This allows them to say "I'm not
clinging to the bad part, I'm clinging to the good part."

If they do this enough they feel better about choosing to stay with them as
long as they did. Admitting the bad side was any worse makes them feel even
worse for staying as long as they did. Everybody wants to feel better, so
saying there were more good times makes you feel better about all that time
spent with them.

In the end, the scale we use to measure the good times and the bad cannot
be measured in simple units like # of good days vs # of bad.

Nobody is bad 24 hours a day 7 days a week. A murderer or rapist can be bad
for 1 hour, and that is enough to outwheigh 100 years worth of good days
picking flowers and walking doggies in the park. So when somebody looks back
and says there were more good days than bad, they have to stop right there,
and consider the weight of each bad day and see where the scale truly falls.

I hope both of you come to see much better days in the future with much
better men.

Just a guy in a funny hat! member since the early 90's
Crimson Rose
(6/29/00 2:04:46 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: ripped

it's all to do with power, in my view. Then again, I've got my own experiences
to colour my opinion, though...

And Phoenix, Kashmir, Faith Manages. Always.

Don't knock masturbation- it's sex with someone I love...
(6/30/00 12:21:18 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Bad vs even worse

Ok... I'll bite. My ex-husband was worse than Rey. My ex-husband made Rey
look like a saint and so when I got together with Rey I thought this was great
because he was romantic and bought flowers and watned to spend time with
me and we liked a lot of the same things where as my ex husband in the 7
years (on and off) that we were together bought me flowers 3 times and took
me out to dinner (alone) only twice. Not to mention he wasn't ever faithful and
only criticized my music choices, movie choices, reading choices and other
things that made me who I am. He also forgot important days and didn't want
to spend time with me. I had a kidney infection in Texas while we were
married.. it started off not so bad but by the time he got home one night I
made him take me to the hospital. As soon as I was admitted he left. He only
visited me for 10 minutes where his friends who were in the military were there
everyday for about an hour! He didn't care so I left him... I thought I got
smart and left him and then I met Rey who was completely different. Rey didn't
cheat on me and did spend time with me and was attentive. Then things fell
apart and he became not such a nice guy and strung me along and made false
promises and I fell for them. I was foolish to believe in the empty promises and
love he said he felt.

I will say however I do not regret what I've learned and being in New York and
in Texas. I met a lot of people and seen a lot of things and I learned a lot and
I am stronger now.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(6/30/00 2:27:41 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

Your ex-husband was a total ass, Erica! He sounds even worse than my ex!

Unfortunately, it sounds like Rey simply got bored...I've been dumped in the
same fashion myself. Everything is genuinely Good and Wonderful to begin
with, but then someone gets bored and wants to have that "feeling" again, the
"feeling" that only a new relationship can provide...This is a sign of immaturity,
but one that we have all probably been guilty of at one time or another...So,
the first key to a succesful relationship, in my opinion, is that each partner
knows what they want out of life and what they want out of their significant
other. They must also realize that "the passion" will fade in a couple of
years...Only to reappear time and time again throughout a succesful
union...Maturity and self-awareness are truly the key...But BOTH partners
must possess them!

That's why I feel it is so important to look at other things besides the obvious
when choosing a mate...Isn't it usually true that we begin a relationship
thinking that we have "everything in common!", when, in fact, we only notice
the similarities and tend to gloss over the vast differences...And, besides, who
cares if you both like the same band, artist, tv show, etc.? There are far more
important factors when determining if a couple has long term
compatibility...They must share the same outlook on life and the same
definition of what is important in a relationship...My parents have very few
common "interests" but they are motivated by the same desires and they want
the same things out of life and out of each other...And they've managed to
stay happily married for 35 years!...They work in the yard and garden
together, they undertake home-improvement projects together, they watch
movies together, they both like to spend time at home to enjoy their hobbies,
etc. In other words, they want the same things out of life...They simply
pursue their individual interests(sewing, decorating, auto racing, reading, etc.)
seperately...This lets them indulge their private passions, and also provides
each of them with plenty of breathing room in the relationship...

It's hard for me to put into words the things that give a couple long-term
compatibility...My point is simply that the similarities we look for are not
necessarily the ones we should be looking for...And, let's face it, most of us
want to be loved and, when a relationship begins, we place that priority so far
above all others that we never even notice the seeds of discontent that are
already there...

(6/30/00 2:39:41 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

Well put.

In my case I think the best relationship in the world is one where your
individual interests are close enough to share, but different enough to bring
some diversity and growth to eachother.

I would also like to find a woman who is comfortable being herself, without
having to try to impress me, nor want me to impress her.

I could write a book about this... but...

Just a guy in a funny hat! member since the early 90's
(6/30/00 5:22:12 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

Ok I don't think Rey got bored. I can honestly say that. We did fight and in a
lot of ways we were probably too much alike in a lot of ways. There wasn't too
many ways we weren't alike and that's not always the best to have in a
relationship. We have nasty nasty fights (gutwrenching) and it wasn't all the
time but it sort of went in a circle at times because of no resolution on those

I think he definitely lacked in maturity and I probably still do to a certain
extent. But I would never have strung him along or not told him I wanted to
see someone else and gave me empty promises. Never. That is just not right.

Anyhow I don't want to get more upset about what happened back then. I
don't need that. I think communication is very important in a relationship and
when that starts to suffer or you get no where in a hurry it's time to take a
step back and look at the situation and see it for what it is for. Not string it
out forever without resolution.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
Crimson Rose
(6/30/00 3:59:17 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

wow... There's a lot of hostility...

It reminds me of when I first split up with my ex-fiance...

Of course, now, after a year of being away from the bitch, i can't work out
just what the fuck i saw in her in the first place...

Kashmir, I hope you're pokay, btw.


Don't knock masturbation- it's sex with someone I love...

Make something foolproof, they build a better idiot.
(6/30/00 4:33:39 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

I know what you mean by that. That's how I feel about my ex-husband. I look
at him and wonder how I could ever have been with him. I'm okay. Sometimes
thinking about those things eats at me because there were a lot of questions
for awhile. I've worked hard to get to the point where I don't care as much
about the why.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(7/1/00 1:24:54 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Feeling good about leaving.

Fez, this WAS a "nice guy."
Believe me (and Ed will back me on this) the guy presented like a "mensch."
He treated me like royalty for two years.
Some men can only deal with courtship and honeymoon, though...a REALLY
nice guy will accept that sometimes princes are frogs, princesses are witches,
and you have to grow up and be steadfast when times are hard.
It is easy to love when everything is perfect.
ANYONE can be a nice guy, then.

He just didn't have the "right stuff."
Maybe he never will.
I'm getting tired of wanting to find that, though.
I'm no damned idealistic teenager...but I never thought I'd get this cynical.
(7/1/00 1:30:12 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

How did you get so wise?
That was a sincere question, albeit rhetorical.
The concept of wanting to be loved so much that we ignore the "seeds of
discontent" was a brilliant observation, that certainly rings true.

(7/1/00 1:35:56 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

You have decidedly had it worse than I. and I am goddamned old enough to
have known better.
Mostly, I am angry because I care about the schmuck more than he does
about himself.
I can see who he is, and why...and feel for his wounds, but it doesn;t excuse
the crap he's out me through.

I want to get to the place where I don;t give a flying fuck more about him
than I do about my bank teller.
I get nothing of value from him now but finaincial support, so why should I
invest my heart in him anymore than I would a stockbroker or insurance agent.

Not there yet...but traveling...

Next time I get to NY, we need to meet.

BTW...aside to Ed, thanks for the sharing space here.

It helps more than you might imagine.
Ed Sysop
(7/1/00 2:00:21 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Feeling good about leaving.

Well, Brenda, I may or may not be able to back you on that. The guy *I* met
certainly seemed like a great guy, and indeed seemed to have lots of mensch

But the guy you are describing here seems like a totally different person. Are
you sure you didn't switch something while we weren't looking? Did he
short-circuit somewhere along the way?

This is the same guy you treated to strawberries and chocolate, champagne,
limo ride, and bare kiki? What the hell got into him?
(7/3/00 12:58:52 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: ripped


I'm just catching up around here - just saw this.

I know we're horrible about not picking up the phone. But, you know our
number. if you ever need to talk, call and SAY SO and I promise I'll pick up no
matter what time it is ....we go back a long way, you old crone you!

I'm really sorry about you two - have to admit I liked Michael (not to mention
he's gorgeous) but no one outside the relationship ever knows what's going on
inside it..


(7/3/00 2:09:42 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

I guess from experience ... I know it's not age cause I'm not that old. Hope
you are doing well. Wish you the best! Just remember there are people who
care and I'm one of them. Ok?

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(7/3/00 2:13:12 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse

I wish I could say I'm still in New York and maybe I may be back next time you
visit. I am back in Wisconsin for now. Who knows what may happen. I know it
takes awhile to get to the point where he isn't important and you don't think
about him and don't care. I totally understand the feeling.

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(7/5/00 1:04:38 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Re: Bad vs even worse


With some relationships a day may never come when you completely don't
care about a person.

I've been divorced from my ex for most of the past 10 years - yet, when his
mother died five years later, I was the one he called. After spending time there
with him the day of her funeral I found out I still had feelings for him which
upset me and scared me to death.

Ed helped me come to terms with those feelings...just 'cause you don't still
love someone in the same way doesn't necesarily mean you don't have any
feelings for them at all.

User avatar
Ed Sysop
Posts: 8677
Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2000 5:00 pm
Location: NYC

Postby Ed Sysop » Sun Oct 15, 2000 4:14 am

(7/12/00 7:18:22 pm)
Reply | Edit | Del

Good riddens to soiled linens

I think I don't give a rip anymore about Rey.. I think when I think about it I
have some hard feelings still or sometimes but it depends on my mood. I think
I'm pretty okay with it now. Good riddens to soiled linens. :)

Erica *Kashmir*
Erica's Design's
(7/30/00 10:15:26 am)
Reply | Edit | Del

Hey Brenda:

How's yr bike. Balls to these assholes. Never mourn the fuckups other people
do. You remember to breathe. Also remember that there is only about 100
miles in a Sportster gas tank. That is an important fact.

Adam the Leg
Da Bronx, Fun City
User avatar
Ed Sysop
Posts: 8677
Joined: Mon Oct 09, 2000 5:00 pm
Location: NYC

Return to BurnWardBurn Ward

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest